Weaknesses

What would it look like to see, printed on paper, all of your weaknesses?  How would you feel?  Would you question your worth, your abilities, your calling?  What are you supposed to do when you see that list?  How would you respond?

What would it look like if you saw all of your spouse's weaknesses printed out on paper?  Would your response be, "I could have told you that!" ?  Would you doubt your spouse's worth, abilities, or calling?  Would you think less of them?  Would your love for them come into question?

What if that list was then shown to others and then your job and life seemed to be held in their hands and everything you know could change?

Here are some of my thoughts.

It's discouraging, embarrassing, isolating, frustrating and humbling.  It hurts deep and no amount of strengths listed before or after can patch up the hole left by the weaknesses.  It's very easy to question everything.  Anger pairs up with feelings of inadequacy and leaves behind a lot of confusion.

For over two months we have been consumed by these thoughts, these questions, and these feelings.  We have been on a roller coaster of emotions fueled by our own thoughts and by the opinions of others.  There has been unbelievable love and support and there have been rumors, pain and denial.

We're faced with two very different paths.  Two paths that are equally difficult  We have been begging God for answers, direction, a path, writing on the wall, something, anything.

So many tears, so much anger, so much pain.  Is this really what ministry is like?  Was I so naive?  Can we pull a Jonah and simply run away from God's calling?  We sit down and try so hard to think of another job, another lifestyle, another calling and come up empty.  We've even chuckled a few times imagining Brian doing something else.  He gets blisters from raking leaves :)

I want to stand up and defend my husband, I want to tell people how kind and loving and humble he is.  I want to tell people why I love living in Prospect Park and why I never want to live anywhere else.  I want to tell people about the wonderful, Christ-like people we have at Unity Church.  I want to tell people how incredible God is and to remind them that He can do anything.  Anything!  No matter how hopeless things seem or how difficult we're told things are.

But the words don't always come.  I've allowed anger to fuel my thoughts.  I've wallowed in self pity.  I've not been the person that God wants me to be.  I'm not trusting Him completely.  I keep trying to figure things out myself and rely on me.  I've allowed myself to be consumed by all of this.  I think about it all day and all night.

But through it all we have had moments of peace, moments of encouragement, reminders that God is with us, opportunities that leave our hearts racing because we know that it's a "God thing".  God has a purpose for our lives.  All of our lives.  I live with the fear that we will make the wrong choice, but we've been reminded that God will ultimately bring us back to his purpose for us.  We have been challenged to rely on God and God alone.  We have grown as individuals and as a couple.  We have strengthened relationships with Godly people.  I still don't know what the future holds and the tears still come all too quickly and forgiveness still seems unattainable but I do know that God doesn't make mistakes.  And with that comfort, I know that despite our many weaknesses and our many flaws God will be there and He loves us.

While listening to this song this morning I caught Mikayla singing along and even after the song stopped she continued singing it.  I am trying very hard to use this song as a prayer and I am trying very hard to sing or say these words with an open heart and with complete honesty.

I Will Follow by Chris Tomlin